When the smoke began billowing from the top of Trump Tower shortly before 7am, the New York City Fire Department responded to what they reported to be an electrical fire in a cooling tower. The cover story spread like wildfire through the Fake News media outlets, but a NotYourPrez.com Totally NOT Fake News investigation uncovered the shocking truth before it went up in smoke.
President & First Lady Trump left their lavish penthouse Sunday afternoon returning to D.C., and leaving Eric Trump to babysit his younger brother Barron for $15 an hour. Although it would be the first time Eric was trusted to babysit his younger brother, he leapt at the opportunity to earn some extra money for an upcoming trip to Comic-Con, and finally prove reliable to his father.
However, it seemed as though eleven-year-old Barron has other plans in mind. With mom and dad out of town, those plans included hosting an all night rager for the who’s who of St. Andrew’s Elementary School glitterati. But the party was about to get a little hotter then expected.
Before his classmates began to arrive for the evening, Barron introduced his trusting brother to a beautiful young woman via Skype, who goes by the name of AngelEyes, and suggested they sit in his room and get to know one another. Barron had told his brother that she might even show her boobs to him. Having never seen boobs before, Eric was both nervous and excited by the prospect. What he didn’t know was that AngelEyes was actually an online stripper paid by Barron to keep his brother occupied.
The plan worked. With Eric distracted, Barron’s friend Kanye West jr., who is also an attendee of the prestigious elementary school, was able to pick the lock on the liquor cabinet, filling preteen stomachs with liquor, and filling the Trump Tower penthouse with music and dancing until the break of dawn.
Having spent the entire evening gazing dreamily into AngelEyes’ cleavage, while softly talking about life, hopes, dreams, and complaining about their fathers, Eric realized something was wrong when he smelled smoke, and heard the approaching sirens. He rushed back to the main floor of the penthouse to find the aftermath of yet another party he was never invited to. Passed out preteens littered the floor among empty liquor bottles, puke, and cigarette butts. Yet one smoking butt laying next to Barron had set the drapes ablaze, and sending flames shooting into the ceiling.
At this point, the NYFD came pouring through the front door to extinguish the blaze. Had they been just a few minutes too late, all would have been lost. Eric immediately tweeted praise for the speed of the NYFD before he was overheard to say: “My Dad is going to kill me. I spent my entire allowance for this week on Angel.”
Reports indicate that he didn’t even get to see boobs.
At all the commotion, a very hung-over Barron finally stirred to wakefulness, echoing his brother’s sentiments.
“My dad is going to kill me,” he stated, looking with regret into an empty bottle of 40 year old Scotch.
But dad wasn’t who Barron had to worry about.
“Cigarettes? It’s disgusting, and I’m ashamed,” a visibly angered Melania told reporters on her way back to Trump Tower. “We have always encouraged him to smoke fine cigars. Cigarettes are for poor people!”
“Boys will be boys,” the president shrugged when he received the news. But that soon changed when the Chief Secret Service agent in charge of Trump Tower informed him about the bottle of 40-year-old Scotch.
“Barron Trump doesn’t deserve the greatness of that scotch!” the president immediately tweeted. “He is a failed son and loser! You’re fired, Barron!”