Trump Appoints Teen New Director for Bureau of Indian Affairs

As social media heaped it’s usual reactionary hate on this week’s new Internet Public Enemy #1, Nick Sandmann was pleased to find an encouraging message from Donald Trump - an invitation to the White House.

“It was encouraging to finally get a Twitter message that wasn’t a death threat,” the 17-year-old high school junior said on the plane that was denied to Nancy Pelosi just a few days prior. “I’m looking forward to that McDonald’s dinner the president bought me. I’m blown away by the generosity. He spent $7.32 on my dinner out of his own pocket!”

It was during this dinner that Trump pitched the Internet celeb the new job offer: drop out of school to serve as the new director at the Bureau of Indian Affairs.  

Trump later held a press conference to discuss his new appointee.

“The Bureau of Indian Affairs has worked tirelessly for over nearly 200 years to withhold all of the benefits and treaty conditions promised to Native Americans by the U.S. federal government,” Trump said. “We need someone who can carry forth this proud American tradition of standing up to the demands of Native Americans. Not only has Nick proven he can do this task, but he can do it with a smile.”

While Trump’s supporters predictably praised their president’s decision, not everyone was as enthusiastic about it. 

Arlen Texas resident Healer, and Native American rights advocate, John Redcorn, expressed some reservations about the appointment. Mr. Redcorn is a family friend who has been treating Nick’s mom for migraines over the last year, and has come insight into the boy’s character.

“The kid isn’t the defiant tough guy the media portrayed him,” Redcorn said after a healing session with Nick’s mom. “It was all a huge misunderstanding blown completely out of proportion by the media. The kid likes video games and porn like any other 17 year old kid.”

Mr. Sandmann, on the other hand, is excited about the prospect of not having to return to school, for that exam on the history of the Catechism, and is seriously considering Trump’s offer just to get out of it.  

Corey Kealiher