Breaking! Association of International Soothsayers & Shamans: Eclipse Forebodes More Trump!


While many have found comfort in the possibility of a Trump presidency shortened by legal troubles, the world’s leading experts in reading signs and omans say keep your eyes upon the skies. Las Vegas hosted the Association of International Soothsayers & Shamans over the weekend - the largest annual gathering of fortunetellers, prophets, astrologers, soothsayers, and palm readers anywhere in the world. This year the convention’s main focus was Monday’s solar eclipse, and what it portends for humankind. As of Sunday evening, many were ready to share their findings.’s Totally NOT Fake News sat down with Zaanthyr the Crafty to find out exactly what to expect.

“That the eclipse is happening during the Mercury Retrograde means this is possibly the end of the world,” Zaanthyr the Crafty reported from the convention floor. “That the eclipse is taking place over North America, means that it involves the president, and foretells something… I cannot quite see, but for only $20 more, I think I may have more answers...”

Luckily, others were more forthcoming with answers, sharing the bad news with us. From palm lines to Tarot cards, most seemed to agree on the foretelling of doom, manifesting itself in three more years of Trump.

“Of course,” Madame Muerta shared from her crystal ball (for only half of Zaanthyr the Crafty’s asking price), “You will see the apocalyptic Christian sects saying this is a sign of the rapture, or other cults saying this the beginning of the alien masters finally revealing themselves, but of course we know it is all bogus nonsense. How people take those groups seriously is beyond even my ability to see in the spirit ether.”

But even among those who have the exact science of predicting the future mastered, there will be differing perspectives.

Zulu shaman, Ayanda Bhekizizwe, says that when the approaching eclipse is combined with the sacred healing dance, the portent hints at only TWO more years, of a Trump presidency, however, the last year is still to be Mike Pence.

“The truth is that it’s early to tell,” Bhekizizwe says. “At midnight, we still have to sacrifice a goat to the earth mother, and cast some chicken bones, so until then, we need to stay rational here.”