Trump Arrives For Secret Meeting With Putin, Finds Chis Hansen Instead!


“Why don’t you have a seat right over here,” Chris Hansen suggested as Trump confidently swaggered into the room carrying a grocery bag of unknown contents. The sight of Hansen instead of Putin, followed by a swarming of cameramen caused Trump a momentary pause of confusion. Completely caught off guard, he sat in the chair indicated by Hansen, staring wide-eyed into the cameras.

“Are you here to meet someone?” Hansen asks conversationally.

Trump’s eyes dart around the room nervously.

“Yeah… uh… I’m here to see… uh… Vladimir,” Trump stammers, while still trying to regain some semblance of confidence for the cameras surrounding him.

“I see,” Hansen replies, walking up to the table. “And why are you here to see Vladimir?”

“You know… just to talk…”

“Did you know that Vladimir is an ex-KGB agent who meddled in the 2016 elections, and is a geo-political enemy of the United States?”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa - I didn’t know any of that!” Trump objected. “I’m just here to advise Vladimir that he shouldn’t be in Crimea!”

“Really?” Hansen replied. “Well according to these tweets you send out just two days ago, it seems pretty obvious that you did know these things about Vladimir. Didn’t you write: ‘Our relationship with Russia has NEVER been worse thanks to many years of of U.S. foolishness and stupidity…’? Did you write that?”

Trump, begins to squirm under Hansen’s disapproving gaze. “I may have said something like that, I don’t remember exactly…”

Hansen continues reading Tweets: “…our news media is the enemy of the people, and all the Dems know how to do is resist and obstruct?”

Trump shrugged, trying to meet Hansen’s gaze. “Fake news is constantly attacking my presidency.”

Hansen proceeds: “Did you not congratulate Putin and Russia on putting on one of the ‘best’ World Cups ever?”

“Well, the championship game is always the best game, so I’m not sure what you’re insinuating…”

“So you’re telling me that your intention wasn’t to come here and commit treason with a geo-political adversary? Because these tweets sound pretty cozy.”

“Of course not! That would be wrong and illegal. I would never consider doing that!”

“What’s in the bag?” Hansen nonchalantly nods towards that plain, brown grocery bag. “Mind if I have a look at what you have there?”

“Go ahead,” Trump tries to call his bluff. “Nothing treasonous in there…”

Chris Hansen reaches into the bag and pulls out a heart-shaped box full of chocolates, raising his eyebrows questioningly at the clearly nervous president.

“Chocolate is great for negotiating,” Trump shrugs. “I has caffeine, and gives your endorphins a boost to facilitate discussion. Nothing more than that.”

Chris Hansen then lifts a bottle of vodka from the bag.

“In case we get thirsty,” Trump immediately replied. “Just two dudes, sipping drinks together- is that a crime?”

Next, Hansen produces an unopened bottle of Covfefe cologne, bearing an image of a shirtless Trump and Putin riding a horse together.

“Just a small gift…” Trump timidly answers.

Finally, Hansen pulls out some classified CIA documents, producing an immediate response from Trump: “Those aren’t mine. I don’t know how those got in there.”

Chris Hansen stood in silence, holding the documents in plain sight of the cameras, an accusatory expression that awaited an explanation.

“You have no right to trick me into coming here like this!” Trump whines. “I’m the president of the United States! I can meet who I want, when I want! I don’t know what you’re implying is going on here, but I just came here to talk Vladimir into giving up Crimea, have a drink or two, and maybe feed each other chocolates and spritz each other with Covfefe cologne – there’s NO crime here!”

Hansen remained silent, merely raising a questioning eyebrow with suspicion.

“Look… my family can’t find out about this, ok?” Trump suddenly scales back his fake outrage in favor of pleading. “The American people can’t find out about this, ok? It’s just… just that I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, and needed to be with another powerful man could understand me.”

“So, what you’re saying is that everything you told me earlier was a lie?” Chris Hansen asked.

“I may have misspoke.”