As Nike's Stock Climbs, Conservatives End Boycott, Declare Open Jihad on Company


For just over a week the bonfires of burning Nike products could be seen from the International Space Station, dotting the landscapes of the Midwest and Bible Belt. With a mixture of flammable liquids and Budweiser, many of these fires have gotten out of control, causing hundreds of structure fires & several regional forest fires since conservative forces declared a boycott just 10 days ago. “That football man is no role model for my children!” seethed Kansas resident, Jessica Miller, as she applied scabies ointment to one of her six children. “So we are burning ALL of our children’s Nike clothes and shoes to teach them how to properly react to liberal outrages!”

Jessica also recently had her Nike tattoo removed from her lower back.

“It’s the lord’s will,” her husband Andy Miller echoed. “We’re a Converse family now. It’s got a star, just like the flag, and has all the same letters that are in ‘conserve’ – like ‘conservative’. Plus, if Converse is good enough for 90’s grunge bands, they’re good enough for us.”

Converse is also owned by Nike, but we didn’t have the heart to tell him. The Miller family has gone into $1494, an amount that will take them years to recover from.

President Trump showed his solidarity with the Nike apparel burnings, by purchasing an entire Nike factory in Bangladesh just to burn it to the ground.

“In retrospect, we probably should’ve warned the workers there that we were burning it,” Sarah Sanders explained to Totally NOT Fake News. “No one said that there wouldn’t be casualties in the culture war. Sure, it’s too bad they were children, but at least they weren’t American children. If you want to blame someone, blame the liberals. They started it.”

However, now entering its 10th day, the boycott isn’t having the desired effect. Nike announced stock gains of over 30% since the announcement that former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick, would be the face of the brand’s new advertising campaign. The announcement is drawing the ire of conservatives, and fanning the flames of the war on Nike.

In response to the news, Trump issued the Fatwah via twitter:

“Anthem kneelers threaten the cultural purity of America! Adidas is now the official shoe of America, and any who wear Nike blasphemes America’s holy name!”

The pronouncement led to a declaration of Jihad, sending tiki torch carrying mobs that sweeping through shoe stores and sporting goods stores around the country, setting alight anything and anyone displaying a Nike symbol.

Homeless people looked on helplessly as perfectly good clothing apparel was reduced to ashes. One even approached the group of Jihadists, asked if perhaps they could have the items instead. The clothes burners merely threw change at them and told the lazy bums to go get a job.

Andy & Jessica Miller made a family day of taking part in the Jihad locally.

“It’s important that our shoes, much like the fast food restaurants we eat at, and the stores we shop at accurately reflect our politics,” Andy Miller later said at the family had dinner at In-N-Out Burger. “We want to raise our children right. We want them to learn that Nike wearing Starbucks people hate God and America.”