CPAC Flag Files Sexual Assault Lawsuit After Being Groped By Trump

Just a week after Alva Johnson, a former Trump campaign staffer filed a sexual assault lawsuit against the President, new allegations are emerging from other victims as well. This time, from a CPAC flag that claims it was groped the handsy President.

“He was so close that I could smell the Big Mac meat on his humid breath,” the flag spoke of it’s harrowing ordeal to Totally NOT Fake News. “I think he may have had too many Cokes to drink.”  

White House Press Secretary Sara Huckabee Sanders, immediately shot back at the new allegations, insisting that none of the claims had any credibility.

“While it’s true the President respects and admires flags more than women, he has   always maintained a professional relationship with all of his flags,” she told the White House Press Corps. “When in the presence of any flag, his hand is always on his heart where it belongs, not on the flag.”   

However, since the press conference, three other flags have come forward in support of the CPAC flag, saying they too, were victims of Trump assaults going all the way back to his 2016 presidential bid.

One flag reported that before a rally in Tennessee, Trump had approached it, rubbing his cheek on it, and sniffing it’s golden fringes saying how much he loved the smell of new flag. And during the Pledge of Allegiance, Trump reportedly made eye contact with the same flag, giving a few seductive winks.

“I was afraid of where he might want to take things,” the flag said. “I just didn’t feel that way about him.”

Even the flag that flies over the White House says Trump would often wrap his naked body within the flag after his evening shower. The flag said it never reported anything earlier, because Trump made it feel special, and beautiful in a way that Obama never did. It is only now out of jealous anger that has led it to speak out.

“I see now that the special moments we shared meant nothing to him,” said the White House flag through stifled tears. “Apparently I’m just another flag to him to rub himself all over. It hurts.”

With the new allegations mounting, congress will continue to drag it’s feet and do nothing about it.