Disaster In Texas! Millions Without Access To Trump’s Twitter Feed
FEMA crews are working around the clock to restore 4G connections for millions of cellphone customers trapped in the hurricane-ravaged areas of Texas and Louisiana. Trump immediately declared a National State of Emergency when it was discovered how many people were rendered Twitterless by the storm. “What the good people of Texas and elsewhere need right now in this time of crises is the security and comfort of the president’s Twitter feed,” FEMA Director Brock Long said in a press conference Monday night. “Until that happens, shipments of clean water, food, blankets, generators, and medical supplies have been halted.”
Interim White House communications director, Hope Hicks, is stunned by the sheer magnitude of the Hurricane’s damage upon the president’s twitter account.
“Retweets are down by nearly half a million. That’s millions of people who will be less angry today, which means the president doesn’t lead the news cycle. It’s been devastating for us.”
Hurricane Harvey has already claimed at least ten lives, and wounded hundreds. All of them are believed to be people trying to regain internet access.
Hoyt Platter shared his own personal tragedy with NotYourPrez.com’s Totally NOT Fake News, after losing his 21 year old daughter, Luanne.
“We were out looting the Cheesecake Factory, and Luanne climbed a cell tower trying to get a connection,” Hoyt recounted. “She wanted to see if Trump was talking about us on the Tweeter. She was blown off the tower, and right into a Chick Fil-A fryer. We still don’t know what the President is saying on the Tweeter!”
At that point Mr. Platter was overcome with grief, asking why God would do that to them. Why he would cut them off from Twitter? It’s a question we can’t answer for him.
Hoyt Platter's story is not an isolated case, and officials are begging Texas residents to be patient.
"Please don't venture into the storm," FEMA Director Long implored. “We realize how difficult it is for everyone not knowing what the president tweeted today, but the people of Texas need to know that he’s tweeting about them. The 4G networks will be restored soon."
But until that happens, Trump has been delivering all televised press appearances in 140 characters or less.
“It’s gonna be difficult to get life caught up to where it was before,” Arlen resident Ted Wassanasong said. “We’ll have to go back and scroll through the Tweets we’ve missed. We have a lot of work ahead of us.”
Trump will survey Harvey’s damage later today as the winds diminish, and the Secret Service declares it is safe for his hair.