New Leaks Indicate Experimental Surgery Involving Baboon Could Explain Trump’s Erratic Behavior


By Totally NOT Fake News Investigative Journalist, B.A. Wright A well-guarded, classified secret has escaped a privately owned high security research facility on Friday that could envelope President Donald Trump in yet another controversy.

The Animal Research Speech Experiment facility (A.R.S.E.), is located on an uncharted island somewhere in the Southern Pacific Ocean. While the true scope of A.R.S.E.'s research has been unknown to the public for decades, the latest Wikileaks info dump demonstrates the disturbing nature of their experiments.

According to Totally NOT Fake News source known only as “Montgomery”, president Trump suffers from a rare genetic disorder that often renders him unable to speak. The disorder also affects his thumbs, often leaving them numb and useless. As a child, the President was often mocked by the other rich kids for his inability to use his dysfunctional thumbs to flick quarters at beggars and homeless people. It's this condition (thought to be caused through casual sex with expensive prostitutes) that had led the President to seek out an experimental cure over forty years ago.

Montgomery served for many years as an assistant to the island’s sole researcher, known only as “Dr. Smith”. A reclusive, eccentric geneticist, “Dr. Smith” is known for engaging in the types of research that would appall most, but not a young Donald Trump.

"When he arrived," said Montgomery, "he could barely speak a single word. Mostly, he kept repeating 'help me ARSE' in English worse than the lowliest illegal immigrant. He was loathe to hear himself speak like someone he himself would deport. He also had trouble playing Nintendo games, as his large, manly thumbs had lost all feeling. Dr. Mor... Umm... Smith, thought he had a solution that would help Mr. Trump, and after several A.R.S.E. examinations and experiments, the doctor had a plan.”

This is where things truly began to get unnerving, and Montgomery himself seemed truly disturbed by what he said next.

"The doctor had determined that the only solution to the problem would be to implant the brain of a taking baboon into Mr. Trump's head. I had my reservations of course, like how could we possibly fit another brain inside his skull, but the doctor performed an A.R.S.E. scan of his head and assured me that there was plenty of room. We also spliced in the DNA from an orangutan to help bridge the gap between the human and baboon DNA, making it less likely that the baboon brain would be rejected.

“Since we were already using the brain from the talking baboon it seemed only natural to use its hands as well. They were considerably smaller than normal human hands, but once attached, they would allow Mr. Trump to not only gain full use of his thumbs, but give him the hands that now allow him to text at an incredibly fast rate.”

Initially, the surgery appeared to be an overwhelming success. Mr. Trump was soon chattering away non-stop, while his tiny little hands punched out messages on a typewriter nearly as fast as he could speak.

But that’s when the problems began.

“There were only a few minor side effects, such as having to shave his hands and giving him the odd, toupee looking hairstyle. The most outstanding feature of the transplant was that the orangutan DNA we used to adapt his body to accept the primate brain turned his skin orange, but it didn't seem to bother him."

According to Montgomery, the problem was that it seemed the baboon brain was not only controlling Trump's mouth but also infecting his thoughts.

"He started shouting nonsense at some of our grounds keepers. He claimed he was going to make them build a wall around his cabana to keep the criminals out; something the A.R.S.E. baboon was also fond of saying. When he was spending his time in auto-erotic activities, he was flinging his feces and biting myself and others.

“We thought we could control him- at least until we could find a way to help him, but he was too clever and devious for us. One day he got ahold of his nurse's satellite phone. It was only for a split second, but he was able to tap out a lengthy message in Morse code before she regained control of her phone. A short time later his helicopter arrived and his armed bodyguards removed him from our facility.”

“Dr. Smith” wept at the sight of his finest achievement being removed from his island.

Montgomery and Dr. Smith had no choice but to let the future president go. They continued to monitor his progress but it quickly became apparent that the experiment had gone horribly wrong. It's become clear to the A.R.S.E. experts that president Trump is talking and tweeting like a baboon.

"I have no doubt in my mind." said Montgomery, "Once Twitter became a popular social network, he started tweeting baboon speech at an incredibly fast rate. I deeply regret what we have done, especially to his advisors who could not possibly respond fast enough to stop him."


Montgomery did have one last word of hope however. "Mr. Trump is now part baboon, which might be enough to disqualify him from the presidency. But not only that, both the baboon and orangutan that are very much a part of him were both born in Kenya, and both have birth certificates to prove it."