Trump Holds Rally to Celebrate Son’s Entrance Into Manhood with First Divorce


“This is truly a wonderful milestone. He’s a man now,” President Trump announced to the thunderous applause of thousands of gathered supporters. “Trump men have beautiful women whenever we want.” The only thing more constant in the Trump family than money, is divorce. That family tradition continues as Donny Jr. and wife, former model Vanessa Haydon settle custody of their children this week.

“Donny had a great run with his wife who gave him five kids, and we’re really proud of him,” Trump continued at the divorce celebration rally. “But his wife is 40 now, and at the end of her youthful beauty and childbearing years. It’s time to move on to make beautiful children elsewhere!”

More thunderous applause before the President went on to reminisce about one of his own late year beautiful children, Barron.

“No one has a more beautiful child then I do with Barron. His mom is pretty, I’m stunning, and NAMBLA even voted him the most beautiful boy in the world. Who else can say their child has been recognized for an honor of such international repute? No one knows beautiful boys like NAMBLA!”

Rudy Giuliani also made an appearance to express his excitement.

“Congratulations, Donny J. Nothing will put your wealth, prestige, and power on display like swapping out on pretty wife for another prettier on. It’s like that feeling you get when you buy a new yacht. And now you can focus on meeting with Russian lawyers for the 2020 campaign without all of those pesky divorce distractions.”

Through an exclusive interview with Totally NOT Fake News, Barron Trump agreed to sit down with us in exchange for a forged absence note that would allow him to skip school for a week. After providing the note, the eleven year old gave us the inside scoop on some interesting family secrets, such as the Trump family’s cultivation of genetic superiority through breeding.

“We marry supermodels not just to have beautiful women that make other men jealous, but also to bear us beautiful children,” Barron explained to us. “Of course there are genetic flaws that creep in occasionally, like Eric. Dad said he wasn’t aware that his first wife, Ivana, had ugly genes when he married her. Looking at her now, it’s pretty obvious to everyone, but back then she was a model. Unfortunately, it was too late for Eric.”

“Eric was over 30 by the time he got married, and that was only because we paid his wife, Lara Lea Yunaska to do it,” Barron continued, sipping a glass of scotch. “Obviously she’s no model, but Dad thought she was pretty enough to begin the process of restoring beauty to the ugly genes Eric inherited from his mother. Dad says Eric’s case will be a multi-generation effort.”

It was also learned that shortly following the wedding, Eric sat down on his father’s knee so the elder Trump could explain to him what happens when mommies and daddies love each other. Eric was so terrified, that it would be another several months before he consummated the marriage with his frustrated wife.

Firstborn, Donny Jr., and sister Ivanka however, inherited enough of the superior genes to offset the failure that is Eric. Now with the new divorce freeing Donny Jr. to pursue younger women once more, the Trump family genes will be carried far into the future.