First Test of Presidential Emergency Twitter Alert System A Success


“The president needs a way to bypass the Fake News, and communicate directly with the American people,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained in Monday’s press conference ahead of the nationwide Presidential Emergency Twitter Alert system (PETA). “We feel it is necessary that everyone is exposed to those vital thoughts that cross the president’s mind. I can’t imagine anything more important than that.” After meeting with FEMA and state emergency response teams, President Trump decided that the single greatest destructive force facing the nation today is that of Fake News, and the need to implement a plan that would adequately warn people when fake news is about to strike. The American people can now take the appropriate steps necessary to protect themselves, saving perhaps millions of people who would otherwise be swept away by fake news thanks to the early warning Twitter alert system.

The President will activate the system anytime the New York Times or other publican prints something unfavorable, or anytime an MSNBC or CNN personality says something the president feels the need to respond to.

On October 3rd, everyone with a cellphone received an ambiguous test message to ensure the proper infrastructure is in place to make the PETA feasible. Future alerts will have a the header “Presidential Tweet” and the message, “THIS IS A TWEET of the National Wireless Presidential Emergency Twitter Alert System. Take action immediately, and inform your liberal friends that Fake News is in progress!”

“It’s already an emergency that not everyone in America is on Twitter and following the president,” FEMA Administrator Brock Long told. “It’s a sort of online humanitarian crises, and this is the horrible situation that we are attempting to address.” Totally NOT Fake News learned that in the event that another local ongoing emergency in progress, the Presidential Emergency Twitter Alert will pre-empt the current emergency, so that people can get the more important Twitter message, even while in the midst of a tornado, incoming tsunamis, school shootings, or having their town overrun by packs of hungry wild dogs.

People will not be able to opt out of the presidential Twitter alerts, because why would they?

“Everyone is familiar with the Amber Alert, which has been in use for some time,” Sara Huckabee Sanders continued during the PETA press conference. “Think of this as an Amber Alert for the president’s tweets. Of course, it will override any Amber Alerts already in progress.”

While opponents think the PETA will be abused, administration press releases assure that only the most dire of tweets will get out to the American people, and that we will probably not receive any more than one alert per day.

Trump will also be able to use the system to request nudes from his favorite porn stars and attractive married women.