GOP to Enact Tougher Restrictions on the Mentally Ill


Taking a cue from President Trump’s statement that mass shootings are a “mental health”, rather then a “gun” issue, the GOP took immediate action to put an end to the mentally ill violence plaguing the country. “We’re looking for common sense mentally ill control,” said Senator Ted Cruz (R- TX). “We’ve seen enough of these lunatics running around, and when they pop up in my own backyard, I’m going to take action.”

Following the latest a string of horrific mass shootings, the GOP is calling an emergency session of congress to the debate the many dangers posed by the mentally ill, and take steps to minimize the kinds of damage they can do.

Much of the controversy surrounds an especially dangerous type of mentally ill that are homeless, or “Asphalt” mentally ill. Known to be some of the craziest mentally ill around, debate is swirling over placing heavier restrictions upon Asphalt mentally ill, while many others are proposing an outright ban of them.

“No one needs Asphalt mentally ill,” Senator Inhofe (R-OK) said at a press conference. “If you want to keep you regular mentally ill who listens to Alex Jones, or believes in aliens, that’s fine. But no one needs a mentally ill who is capable of killing 30 people.”

Also under discussion are various mentally ill accessories, such as footwear. Many mentally ill people are known for wearing shoes called Crocs, but for those mentally ill with no feet, there is a special kind of Croc that can help them run faster. These “Stump Crocs”, as they are known on the streets, are mentally ill accessories that help them to better elude police. Stump Crocs pose a great danger to the public by allowing speed to dangerous, and feetless mentally ill.

“We are also discussing the possibility of banning high capacity mentally ill,” Representative Paul Ryan (R-WI) replied. “High capacity mentally ill are defined as those who have more then three voices in their head at one time. We think three voices per head is reasonable. You don’t need more then that.”

Along with banning Stump Crocs, and imposing heavier regulations upon high capacity and Asphalt mentally ill, a National Mentally Ill Registry database is also being discussed. This measure would include tattooing a serial number on all mentally ill so they can be better traced in the event of a crime.

But critics claim such measures are outrageous.

“This is no way to treat people who need our love and help,” Joshua Gordon, Director of the National Institute of Mental Health (and total liberal) told us. “It’s outrageous to blame ALL mentally ill people for the actions of a just a few. We don’t need mentally ill control, we need sensible gun control!”

“That’s impossible,” balked Senator Cruz. “The truth is that guns don’t kill people. Mentally ill people kill people. That’s just an undeniable fact. Given that you have to be mentally ill to kill someone, if you ARE mentally ill, you MIGHT kill someone, and we’re gonna put a stop to you.”

The National Rifle Association cheered the current efforts by the GOP, and offered to provide free AR-15s to those tasked with rounding up the mentally ill.

“Too many times an innocent assault weapon finds itself in the hands of a mentally ill person who causes untold carnage,” NRA spokeswoman Dana Loesch told Totally NOT Fake News. “I understand that people don’t like it, but we need tougher restrictions on the mentally ill. Here, have a gun.”