New Accuser Emerges, Claims Kavanaugh Not The Party Animal He Claimed To Be!


Another woman has come forward with an accusation against embattled Supreme Court nominee, Brett Kavanaugh. While three accusations of sexual assault have already rocked the nomination process, these new accusations could prove to be the most damning yet. The Republican Party is in damage control mode as claims surfaced yesterday that Kavanaugh has never attended any college OR high school parties at all. In fact, this new accusation also claims that everything Kavanaugh knows about college parties are derivative of movies like “Animal House”, and “Revenge of the Nerds”, rather than his own experiences.

“This changes the entire landscape,” said Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell. “We’re shocked. If he just made up all of those stories about jumping into pools with everyone jumping in after him, or stealing the rival college’s mascot, or toilet papering the Dean’s house – I just don’t see how we can support him.”

Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas, weighed in on the stunning new development, telling Totally NOT Fake News: “Sexual assault is one thing - we can overlook that. But when a man is being blatantly dishonest about his level of cool within his bro circles? That’s just another form of stolen valor.”

Democrat Senators Cory Booker and Kamala Harris, veteran college partiers, led the questioning of Kavanaugh during his interview with the Senate Judiciary Committee, asking the Judge about proper keg stand techniques, and how much beer he could drink in one night.

It appeared to many that Kavanaugh stumbled through what should have been easy questions for a seasoned partier. When asked by Senator Diane Feinstein what his favorite beer is, Kavanaugh simply replied: “The kind with alcohol.”

While the seemingly snarky frat-boy quip got some laughs and high fives from Republican Senators Chuck Grassley and Mike Lee, some were not so sure it indicated anything other than uncertainty.

“That answer was just a little too quick for my liking,” partying advisor to the Senate Judiciary Committee, Otto Mann commented. “It sounds like a line he uses in social situations. It’s entirely possible he doesn’t know what kind of beer college kids were drinking in the early ‘80’s and is trying to hide the fact. It reeks of poser.”

The new accuser went on to say that she believed Kavanaugh, in fact, spent many of his Saturday nights playing ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ with her brother, Jeffery Albertson, who now runs a comic book store. Such an accusation of extreme nerdery could quickly derail his prospects for sitting on the high court if found to be true.

With the new allegations of “loser” now floating around Kavanaugh, President Trump is said to be backing away from public support, and preparing for a more suitable candidate if necessary.