Trump “Labor” Day Speech Honors Women Who Have Given Birth


“I want to thank my own mother,” Trump said during his Labor Day address on Monday. “She was a beautiful woman who was in labor with me for 18 hours. I was so busy trying to make her womb great again, that I didn’t want to leave.” It was a Labor Day speech that left reporters on the scene thoroughly confused until they realized that the president didn’t actually know what Labor Day was intended to commemorate. That didn’t stop him from trying.

“While we should all thank my mother for enduring the labor necessary to birth the great man America needs right now, you need to thank your own mothers for laboring to give birth to you, the supporters!”

Victoria Beckham, who Chairs the C-Section mom’s organization, “Too Posh To Push”, condemned what she saw to be the president’s purposeful, targeted exclusion of caesarean section moms.

“It’s completely offensive for him to stand there before the entire country, and publically detract from our own motherhood,” Beckham said, while lounging poolside as her fifth child was being delivered. “Being a mother about raising children, not about how it’s delivered. I provide each of my children with the best wet nurse and nanny money can buy.”

Later that day, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders responded to the T.P.T.P. accusations. “Lets face it, they didn’t bring children into the world by their own labor, the doctor’s did all the laboring. Mothers who have undergone a Cesarean sections escape the blown out lady parts that real mothers like myself have had to endure. They already have the Cesarean salad named after them; can’t they let us have a day?”

But Trump’s Labor Day speech was about more than giving birth. Not really knowing what the day is about, he tried to include everything he think of, going on to honor words that have “labor” in them.

“We cannot belabor the importance of this day as great nation - a laboratory of laborious and elaborate collaboration!”

Since most of his supporters in attendance don’t understand words longer than 5 letters, they applause line was met with confused silence. Trump tried another Labor Day angle.

“Today we also remember the 12 Labors of Hercules – an epic story of heroism, overcoming trials,, and impregnating many women. I’m the modern day Hercules, and labor to Make America Great again!”

Following the speech, Totally NOT Fake News was one of several news outlets that received a statement from the International Brotherhood of Teamsters expressing disgust and anger over having to take a break from grilling and drinking beers to issue a statement expressing disgust and anger the president’s speech.

“He completely ignored the contributions of American labor organizations that the day is supposed to honor,” said a visibly angered James Hoffa, President of the Teamsters. “It’s in the union contract to issue statements of displeasure like this, and it had to get it out before 4:59pm since 5pm is quitting time.”

Trump himself responded to the Teamsters statement via Twitter, saying:

Typical angry liberal labor unions trying to steal this day from laboring moms, just like they steal profits from their employers. Sad.