Nielsen Turns In Cattle Prod & Lasso After Two Years of Wrangling Immigrants

Kirstjen Nielsen tendered her resignation earlier this week after months of receiving scathing criticism from close Trump aides, like Dog the Bounty Hunter, who blasted the Department of Homeland Security secretary for not doing enough to stop immigrants.  

“The thing I’ll probably miss most is the children,” Nielsen told Totally NOT Fake News. “That look of absolute shock as my lasso snatches their feet from under them, and they start dragging behind the truck. Those are the precious memories I’ll always carry with me.”

Nielsen led the Department of Homeland Security with an astonishing 764 lasso captures, breaking not only department records, but also breaking the immigrant wrangling glass ceiling, while earning the respect of her colleagues.   

“The thrill of the hunt was always exhilarating for her,” said agent Nicholas Brody. “We’d stalk a group of immies for days, and leap upon them when they were at their weakest. They’d scatter like antelope, and lesser agents would be paralyzed by indecision. Not Kirstjen. She always had a laser locked focus and would bring them immies down.”

Nielsen’s reign at DHS struck fear into the migrant community who referred to her only as ‘El Lobo Blanco’, the White Wolf.

“There was a group of about fifty of us one night at maybe 2am,” Manuel Sanchez recounted his own terrifying encounter with El Lobo Blanco. “We were only about fifty meters from the border. We thought we had made it. We were overconfident, and that’s when El Lobo Blanco fell upon us. She captured everyone except me. In the chaos, I buried myself in the sand and waited for everyone to leave. They say she feasts on her prey.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Nielsen retorted. “The nutritional value of Mexicans has to be so poor. I’d much prefer to eat much healthier immigrants.”

So what’s next for Kirstjen Nielsen? Close acquaintances assure that a women of her talents won’t be out of work for long. The Omerta and Los Rojos Manos cartels are currently in a bidding war to secure her as a border consultant.  

Corey KealiherComment