Portland Hosts Alt-Right Cosplayers for Street Fight


It was a contentious weekend in Portland, as the Armies of Kek cosplayers descended on the city, led by Professional live action role player, and Level 56 Paladin Knight, Joey Gibson. Armed with shields, armor, blades and clubs, the cosplayers descended on a city park, looking to meet what they called “the heathen liberal Tribes of Soros” in the streets for battle.

“They are drug addicted sex fiends who eat children!” Gibson ranted through a bullhorn, to cheers from the warriors of Kek. “They are without gender, and without faith seeking to oppress us with their dark, liberal ways!”

Soon a large group of counter protestors began to amass in opposition to the Armies of Kek, eventually outnumbering them 4 to 1. But Paladin Gibson would not be deterred from his inflammatory message.

“Look at them! They are a black plague – a disease spreading across out land, preventing us from speaking, and destroying our way of life! We gather for the glory of our king, Donald the Great!”

Soon Portland police in full riot gear had also taken to the streets, separating the armies. This only prompted further outrage from Paladin Gibson.

“We came here to fight!” he complained. “The City of Portland is denying us our right glory in the name of our great president! Has the Guardian of Portland no honor?!”

Portland Police Chief, Clarence Wiggum, busily organized his units for doughnut and coffee runs, in preparation for a long standoff.

“We’re out here to make sure no one does any beating without us,” Chief Wiggum commented. “We get too much flak when we beat people in non-riot situations, so this gives the new guys a chance to practice their beating skills.”

As the standoff wore on, Chief Wiggum accidentally told NotYourPrez.com Totally NOT Fake News that he realized most of the men with him weren’t police at all, but riot cop cosplayers.

“But what the hell? We could use all the batons we can get out here. And you know the old police saying: The guy who beats the guy you're beating is your friend.”

Eventually the tense peace broke, and hostilities got underway, and Chief Wiggum began ordering the dispersal of the Tribes. His cosplaying officers were ordered to begin attacking and arresting Tribe members who refused to leave the area, clearly taking the side of the Armies of Kek. It was move cheered by Paladin Gibson, but a move for which Wiggum would later came under vicious criticism.

In a press conference later in the day, Wiggum explained the move.

“Did you see those Armies of Kek guys? A lot of them are huge, muscular guys. Most of them have probably been brawling their entire lives! We’re not fighting them! It’s much easier beating down a bunch of skinny kids and overweight, out of shape union guys. We have to we have to think of the safety of our officers while we’re beating people.”

When it was pointed out most of them weren’t even real officers, Wiggum shrugged, “In the heat of battle, when your standing shoulder to shoulder beating the daylights out of some punk kids and minorities together… well, we’re all cops in that moment.”

Gibson, while glad to have carried the day, vows to keep returning until the city stops interfering with their right to fight.

“As long as Portland, or anywhere harbors these cultural locusts, we will be there in our colorful, homemade costumes and weapons to peruse them, and eradicate them!”