President Grounded from Twitter After Weekend Rant
Speculation began Monday morning when it was noted that the President had not tweeted in over twelve minutes.
“Is @realDonaldTrump even still alive?” @BallsDeepInYaMom tweeted, appearing to be the first to take note of the president’s absent twitter voice.
Within moments #WhereIsRealDonaldTrump began trending, as tens of thousands began tweeting questions and theories ranging from heart attack, to assassination, to alien abduction.
Yet the Twitter blackout continued without explanation, entering into it’s fifteenth minute. Trump supporters began a viral Twitter vigil for their (now assumed) fallen leader, with many posting final suicide tweets before their own twitters went dark.
Those who had build Twitter followings based on attacking the president, begged for something – ANYTHING from @realDonaldTrump, knowing their Twitter careers were otherwise over.
“@realDonaldTrump please come back to us!” @BoiToiSoi begged. “My followers are leaving. Can’t get a date with so few followers. As usual ur ruining my life!”
With Twitter quickly descending into chaos, and threatening the very fabric of society, the White House was finally forced to issue a statement.
“He’s grounded from Twitter for one month,” Melania Trump answered reporters at Tuesday's press conference. “I took his phone away and SMASHED IT! I also threatened his secret service with termination if any were caught letting Donny use their phones to log into his Twitter account.”
“Wait, you’re going fire qualified agents for letting the President use their phone?” ABC News White House correspondent Jonathan Karl asked. “Doesn’t that seem a little harsh?”
“I did not say ‘fired’, I said ‘terminated’,” Melania replied. “They will be executed. It is necessary.”
The first lady conceded that measures such as this may seem harsh, but when the president starts admitting to crimes, such as being aware of Michael Flynn’s lying to the FBI, then it becomes a problem for everyone.
When Melania finally seized the president’s phone, he had just finished a tweet that read: “I taught @RoyMoore everything he knows about hooking up with girls, so I expect his full cooperation in the Senate! Russia didn’t put me here for nothing!”
Luckily, he did not have a chance to send it into the Twittersphere.
An inside source for NotYourPrez.com Totally NOT Fake News reports that the president is despondent, sitting alone in his room, moving his thumbs over a phone only he can see, and occasionally shouting out curses aimed at his Twitter critics.
“He’s going through the five stages of grief,” Dr. Katz, professional therapist, shared with us. “It seems as though he’s still in denial, but transitioning into the anger stage.”
The next stage is bargaining. Can the man who considers himself to be a master of negotiations strike a deal with an angry wife to get his phone back? Twitter has plenty of opinions on this.