Trump Calls in 40,000 More Troops For ‘War On Christmas’


Violence continues to escalate throughout the United States, as militant secularists calling themselves the Children of Santa, continue to clash with militant religionists known as the Nativity Liberation Front. What began many years ago as a disagreement over whether to say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holiday”, has morphed into yet another hot button political issue in America. Last week the Children of Santa claimed responsibility in the firebombing of over 1200 public nativity scenes nationwide. In a statement issued by the “Happy Holiday” group, the attacks were in response to the Nativity Liberation Front’s burning down of over 800 Starbucks stores in protest of franchise’s non-religious holiday coffee cup design. Also included in the Children of Santa statement:

“It is not enough for the Merry Christmas fascists to take away our right to religious neutral holiday celebrations, they have now taken from many the right to enjoy a peppermint gingerbread latte after a long day of fighting!”

While the “War on Christmas” has been raging for nearly two decades, it had been the policy of previous administrations to remain nonaligned, but on the 2016 campaign trail, Donald Trump had taken a hardline stance against the Children of Santa, pledging material support for the Nativity Liberation Front. It’s a campaign promise he intends to keep.

On Black Friday, military advisors were sent to Nativity Liberation Front strongholds scattered throughout the Bible Belt, and it’s been rumored that the CIA has been running weapons, and Toyota pickups to the group.

In early December, the tide began turning in favor of Nativity Liberation Front. Starbucks relented to their demands, offering to include a baby Jesus on their cups, while several department stores promised to make their Santas greet children with “Merry Christmas” instead of the religious neutral “Happy Holidays.”

The Children of Santa decried the Holiday fascism, and launched what they call, the “12 Days of Christmas offensive” on December 14th. Now joined by other groups, such as the “Seven Lights of Hanukkah” and the “Kwanza Peoples Army”, the Children quickly took control of many key Christmas cities, including Santa Claus, Indiana; Christmas, Michigan; and North Pole Oklahoma. Intense fighting is currently raging in Noel, Missouri, and Bethlehem, Pennsylvania where Nativity Liberation Front fighters have been able to repel attacks.

The Trump administration immediately moved to garrison the Christmas towns with a combined 20,000 troops until a counter attack could be planned.

In a December 18th press conference, Sarah Sanders explained the administration’s position.

“The war between those who say ‘Merry Christmas’, and those who say ‘Happy Holidays’ is ripping this country apart, and we can no longer support a policy of neutrality. The tyranny of ‘Happy Holidays’ must be stamped out everywhere. It is our duty to spread Christmas cheer around the globe!”

The Flat Earth Society immediately condemned the Press Secretary’s open support for a ‘globe’, calling Sander’s words a ‘provocation’. They have given her 12 hours to retract her statement, or else they vow to join the Children of Santa. As usual, they were ignored by everyone.

As the intense fighting continues this Christmas Day, president Trump has called for an additional 40,000 troops to deploy nationwide as mall Santas are targeted, and street clashes continue to erupt between the secularists and religionists. Totally NOT Fake News was scene in one of these clashes in Stevens Point, WI, where violence erupted after a drunken argument in one of the many bars quickly spiraled out of control.

“Jesus is the reason for the Season!” Screamed one 47 year old man as he set a decorative mini Christmas tree ablaze. “We’ll bring back peace on earth, goodwill toward men even if we have to kill every one of these sumbitches!”