Trump Establishes Commission to Develop Hip, Fresh Insults for 2018


“The phrase ‘Fake News’ is so 2017,” White House Press Secretary Sara Sanders said in a New Year’s Eve press conference. “While America celebrates the coming new year tonight, the president is hard at work tonight coming up with new nicknames for the media, and better insults for his enemies. Even his holidays are spent working to make America great again.” Last week, president Trump gathered together what he called Presidential Winsult Commission to begin brainstorming more effective ways to mock opponents during his second year in office. The Winsult Commission was comprised of some of the most cleverly offensive personalities from Twitter, Reddit, 4Chan, and other online repositories of confidence shattering abuse.

The new ‘winsults’ will be revealed as the president unleashes angry Tweets at critics and opponents throughout the year, but some of these new insults were unveiled today.

Snake News” will refer to any news stories perceived to be trying to undermine the administration.

Ache News” will be a reference to any news trying to hurt him, or anything that gives him a headache.

Flake News” will refer to news stories that are unoriginal or uninteresting. It will also refer to ANYTHING said by GOP Trump critic, Senator Jeff Flake.

“2018 is going to be a great year on Twitter,” said Reddit user WombRaider, who sat on the President’s Winsult Commission. “Rachael Maddow will now be Hateful Madcow, Alec Baldwin will be Alec Bald-lose, Anderson Cooper will now be Slanderson Pooper – there’s going to be so much!”

The administration will be releasing the results of the Winsult Commission sometime in late January, so that the president’s supporters will know what to call people who disagree with them. A large part of the Department of Education website will be used for this purpose.

“All of the old classics will remain,” Twitter user who sat on the commission, @BallsDeepInU, told Totally NOT Fake News. “We’re still going to see all of our favorites like ‘Crooked Hillary’, ‘Pocahontas’, and ‘Fake News’, we’re just expanding upon the 2017 lexicon with harder hitting, more efficient insults.”