Trump to Pardon Judge Roy Moore Instead of Thanksgiving Turkey


Amid mounting accusations that could sink the senatorial ambitions of Alabama’s Judge Roy Moore, president Trump has invited the embattled judge to take the place of the turkey on the White House lawn. “I don’t want to pardon the turkey,” Trump told the press, “I want to eat the turkey. It’s going to the best turkey, believe me. We have the best Mexicans in D.C. ready to prepare it. In fact, send us a truckload of turkeys. We’ll eat them all.”

The president has remained quiet on the Judge Moore allegations, while publicly shaming democrats being accused of similar acts. Even many conservative leaders have chosen to ignore the allegations leveled at the judge.

“It’s all about what’s in the heart,” Alabama religious leader, Reverend Lovejoy, explained to Totally NOT Fake News. “You see, when a godless liberal degenerate assaults a woman, it’s to feed his own depraved lusts. An upstanding conservative man of faith doesn’t assault women. They show their love to that woman, and to America. And they do it remembering the brave sacrifices made by our troops.”

Other conservative leaders had other excuses for they’re continued support, such as Republican county party chair, Harley Smith.

“People get outraged about Moore’s activities with teenage girls, but it IS Alabama, after all. It’s just part of the culture here. Of course he had to date teenage girls, we all do. By the time they hit 20, those pigs already have as many kids as they do teeth, and so it’s not like there was much in the dating pool to work with.”

Seeing that many conservatives were so staunchly lining up behind the judge, Totally NOT Fake News asks at what point would you refuse to support a conservative candidate?

NYPTNFN: “What if it were discovered that your candidate murdered someone?”

Rev. Lovejoy: “I believe a man can change. I’d still support him.”

NYPTNFN: “What if he raped women and forced them to have an abortion?”

Rev. Lovejoy: “A woman can’t be ‘forced’ to have an abortion. That decision is all hers to make.”

NYPTNFN: “What if he had embezzled millions from St. Jude’s Children’s Hospital, and used the funds to open a Church of Satan where he routinely eats babies, and burns American flags in honor of the Dark Lord?”

Rev. Lovejoy: “Well, at least he’s not a Democrat.”