Vegas Odds Running 4 to 1 Against New Chief of Staff


As new Chief of Staff, John Kelly, officially joined the Trump administration, bookies were out in force on Monday taking bets on how long he holds the beleaguered office before following predecessor, Reince Priebus, out the door. “As bookies, we really like this guy,” Brooklyn bookie Tony 'Tone-da-bone' Paretti told Totally NOT Fake News. “We like his age, we like that he’s a *ussy from Boston, not a tough New York guy. He should melt pretty easily under the stress.” But a vocal bookie minority isn’t so sure. “I’ll take that bet all day long,” says Boston bookie, Donny 'Snack Cakes' McGuire. “He’s gotta last longer then Priebus, who was just some soft politician from Wisconsin. Where the hell even IS Wisconsin? Kelly’s a veteran and fellow Bostonian. We’re as tough as they come, and I’ll stand by one of ours.” “You’ll go broke doing it, too,” Tony 'Tone-da-bone' scoffed. “He’s a veteran like a subway employee is a sandwich artist– lets not get carried away here. Guy ain’t ever seen a lick of action, he’s a military politician. You need to be battle hardened, or at LEAST a New Yorker to deal with Trump, and he ain’t got it. Bet on him all you want, but you better have the cash in hand, or your kneecaps will be staring down the business end of a baseball bat, that’s all I’m sayin’.” The breakup between Trump & Priebus couldn’t have come at a worse time for some. “I put a bet on Priebus to make August,” lifelong gambler Pete Rose shared. “It was a long shot paying out 6 to 1 when I made the bet on Inauguration Day, and I got a hot tip while in Gambler’s Anonymous. I was so close. Coulda’ paid off my gambling debts, now I gotta disappear for a while. Again. Wife’s gonna be pissed.” While many media outlets continue to speculate over exactly what happened, our exclusive inside sources reveal that tensions have been building for some time. Things finally culminated into a flurry of violence during a game of Candyland that Trump, Priebus, and Scaramucci were playing. Priebus accused Scaramucci of cheating, and Scaramucci responded by calling Priebus a “f*ck*ng paranoid schizophrenic”. Later in the game, Priebus became enraged when he had to go all the way back to the Peppermint Forest. Sure that Scaramucci had stacked the deck, he flipped the board just as Trump was ready to go to Candy Castle. He fired both of them immediately. What happens with John Kelly is anyone’s guess, but if you have a good guess, Tone-da-Bone, and Donny Snack Cakes want to see you. And if you’re in the bounty hunting business, Pete Rose is currently fetching a good price from the United Bookies of America there's no competition anymore.