White House Tower Renovations Begin

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While the PR wing of the Trump administration scrambles to cover the president’s “White House is a dump” comment, plans are already being drafted to enhance the renovations currently underway. “Let’s face it, this house is a couple of hundred of years old, and only 52,000 square feet,” White House Communications Director Stephen Miller relayed to the press corps. “Would you put the Queen of England in a dilapidated crack house? Then why would you put the most powerful man in the world into something like the White House?”

Leaking ceilings and upgrades to the heating and cooling systems have spurred the renovations into action, but contractors have also discovered that there’s simply not enough room for Trump’s Ego, which requires a minimum of 84,654 square feet of floor space. As a result, Trump’s ego has been staying with Melania at Trump Tower.

At least twenty new floors are expected to be added onto the White House.

“We have big plans for this place,” Trump reported from his vacation golf resort. “We are going to make the White House a truly remarkable place. Visitors will be able to play slot machines or poker in the lobby while being served drinks.”

“What about all of the school children that visit the White House?” NotYourPrez.com Totally NOT Fake News correspondent asked.

“We haven’t forgotten about the kids,” Trump replied. “They are the future of this great nation, so we’ve added smaller slot machines & card tables for them.”

In additions to the lobby gaming upgrades, renovation plans also call for an Olympic sized pool where Trump can swim in his money, and replacing all of the presidential portraits with mirrors. White House aides report that Trump wants to feel inspired when he leaves the White House, not walk by a gallery of losers.

“We will also be adding a darkroom for the president,” Miller said. “It’s like a sunroom, but the opposite of that. The president’s body needs to absorb darkness to sustain itself.”

“Like a vampire?” ABC correspondent Jonathan Karl asked.

“I’m sure the president has heard all the vampire jokes since he was a kid, Jon,” Miller retorted. “It’s not like a vampire at all. It’s more like the noble, beloved salamander.”

Renovations are expected to cost $1.4 billion.

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